for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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