R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize