yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
