there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
