census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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