i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
