I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
