drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
