He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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