my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
zippers are such a cool invention
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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