Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He kissed a someone with a penis
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
