Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
