i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
His hands were made for my vagina.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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