My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
