So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
