did you get engaged???
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
