so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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