She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Semen is not good for contacts.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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