The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
