Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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