from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
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