I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
