I'm gonna have a badass scar
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
