Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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