My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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