make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
