This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
