Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
