i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
