I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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