I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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