Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
