dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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