you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
