Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
