why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
