swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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