:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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