Sponge bath it is.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
