Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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