Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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