I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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