matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize