I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
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