I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
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