You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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