I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
