apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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