I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
