You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Randomize
