he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
