I wish I could punch you in the face.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
