Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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