I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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