there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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