Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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