just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
We were destined to go to rehab together
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
